Certainly the truth about what actually happened this last year would completely discredit me, right?
Anyone who has ever tried to walk the road of recovery knows the immense pressure that comes along with it. It is the stuff that legends are made of.
It is a mystical, super human and soul tearing experience that stretches you to the very brink of sanity. For the practical person, it leaves us wondering – how? How did this all happen? How could a life so filled with joy and excitement turn so sharply to absolute chaos?
For all of us at some point the truth became too much. Maybe it wasn’t too much for us, but it was too much for others. So, in an effort to protect ourselves, our family or friends or whomever, we started hiding it.
It’s a simple, self preserving and seemingly harmless act on the surface, but it comes at an incredible cost.
I am a very spiritual person, not necessarily in the traditional religious sense, but on an individual level. I think it manifests in my life with my ability to connect to other people. Not bragging, but if you know me personally you know this is a talent of mine. Rather it is with you, your spouse, your son or daughter, we have a deep connection. It’s strange and hard to describe or quantify, but it is there. And it is something I cherish.
This being said, I am acutely aware of the science behind the soul and the damage you do
to yourself in trying to change your truth.
Unfortunately sometimes it takes extreme trial and error for us to figure out the only way to set things right it to tell the truth. Don’t sugar coat it. Tell it how it is –
The truth is like a lion, set it free. It will defend itself.
So would the truth discredit me?
It was a question that followed me around the last 365 days like a hawk. It tormented me and drove me into further isolation.
I was terrified that if word got out that I was still struggling with sobriety that everything I stood for and asked of this world would be destroyed. I convinced myself that this was the truth. Instead of letting the lions out of the cage, I turned myself into a lamb. Only projecting the quiet, fluffy and fraudulent information that wouldn’t rock the boat.
Which is completely ridiculous and the only discrediting to my idea that I was doing was lying about what was really going on.
I never claimed to have any grasp on sobriety or spiritual perfection. The only thing that I did claim was that the truth – the loud, roaring, teeth-gnashing lion of a truth – will bring a positive change to the world. It did then and it still does now.
I’m saying goodbye to this blog and to this story. I’m stepping out of the spotlight so that I can go find myself. A coming-of-age journey of sorts.
Just remember – trade lions for lambs.